Seeking the Groove

First day off today, in a string of seven, count ’em, seven days off in a row.

First time in quite a while to have such a string of days, and the only true obligations I have during this time are:
1) playdate at the park; 2) 5-year-old friend’s birthday party; 3) play date/talk date with a friend and her kids; 4) play ceremony music for a friend’s daughter’s wedding

This is the least scheduled, least obligated stretch of time I can remember, since I started back to work when Alden was a year old.

And I’m totally out of the groove.

I am selfishly feeling whiny and annoyed at the tiny gap in busyness that a week represents. It’s barely enough time to stop, let alone to slow down, let alone to relax. Yet a week –paid, in between jobs–meaning I have no piling up emails or impatient obligations– it’s a gift and a luxury most people don’t get– I get that.

Home with Alden for six days! First time in forever. I want to be a fun, patient, all-day mama, healthy in habits and spirit, ready to take advantage of a spot of perfect weather or hunker into a big project, finding authentic but clean-ish ways for Alden to pitch in. I want to joyfully meet up with friends, who I truly do miss, and yak in a park while our kids run around and get dirty and sweaty and tired.

But I also want to pull the covers over my head while I insist Alden have quiet time so I can have some too, dammit, and I want to hole up and reacquaint myself with my own house and my own space and my own son.

I have no groove.

What I do have–well, I have a list of house jobs I want to tackle. I have a slew of musical projects I want to tinker with. I have a massive amount of outdoor Alden-friendly recreation to relish.

I have a year’s worth of weight to unload, literally and metaphorically.

I have high hopes for my new job, but I’m a big enough girl to know I’m taking the same exact me into the new office on Tuesday who walked out of my old one on Monday. I do get that. I’m in between, and that’s a space I should cherish in all of its unknowns and its possibilities. I’ll I find more time by going deep, living fully into the minutes rather than longing for more weeks, more months, more time.

Still.

Still.

In search of the groove, because life is full of so much damn GOODNESS, so much sweet possibility. I just need to find the new rhythm, and start steppin’.

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