It has been a week for thinking about the big things.
Elections ask everyone to put themselves on the map, for one thing.
For another, a co-worker from my previous job died in a car wreck Saturday — sudden, shocking, and really tragic. John was a person who loved and lived life with enthusiasm, humor, and a boundless belief in the possible.
And, both of Alden’s grandpas (my dad and Josh’s dad) went under the knife over the past two weeks. I am so thankful they are both doing well in recovery, and so glad the care thgey are receiving is helping them live their lives as fully as possible as long as possible.
Over the past few days, I have found myself imagining possible future retrospectives… Writing the story of my life, a hundred different ways, looking back, before it has happened.
“And that’s when I really focused in on my career…”
“And that’s when I switched to a macrobiotic diet and quit drinking wine…”
“And that’s when I knew I needed to go back to school…”
“That’s about the time I started getting really serious about music…”
“That’s around the time I quit the band…”
“That’s when I knew I just needed to be home…”
“That’s when work really started to take off…”
To be clear, none of the above are true statements, at least not from where I sit today. But they are all possibles… Stories I am trying on, seeing if they fit, or if I can imagine the me they would fit, looking back, years from now.
If it was as simple as “knowing what you want” I would KNOW.
I have always, always had spoons in a lot of pots. As a teenager I was overcommitted beyond belief but that felt RIGHT– no one pushed me to be that busy, I relished it. And always, a combination of straight and creative. Studies, and theater, and speech and debate and orchestra and environmental actions and more theater and and and.
And ever since– I have always said I am fortunate to not have to choose. Not have to choose between work I love and which inspires me, and music which feeds me in other ways… creative, ecstatic, connectedness.
And, since Alden’s arrival work has been in a particular place. BUSY, yes. At times, extremely so, with travel and all that. But still: in its place– in a compartment. Not a passion. And that has been, really, fine. I have had so many amazing opportunities and been exposed to all kinds of things. And my family, and music, could be the emotional centers, in that order.
So, over the past few weeks, I have felt a rekindling of the fire that drove my work life for a lot of years. It’s so good to feel it again! So amazing to realize that yes, YES, the care and education of little ones is in fact something I care DEEPLY about — and not just MINE! I had wondered if I would still find toddlers amazing and interesting after the most compelling toddler I ever knew had passed that stage. The answer is YES, and actually, more so. Having known Alden through infancy, toddlerhood, three… I am in awe of those stages in life more than ever before.
And like, that’s all super-great and “yay, worklife satisfaction” and all, but there’s a problem: Things I’m Passionate About: Family, Music, AND Work???
I’m not quite sure there’s room in here for three.
(Oops, I keep forgetting….. “Me-and-my-health.” Dangit, an also-ran, yet again.)