Heartfull

I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I think I know why–

My heart has been way too full.
It has been high tide and a full moon in the world of Grace and there has been no space for beachcombing, no room for sorting through the daily castings of seaweed, searching for the pearl…
Insert appropriate metaphor here.
My dad is recovering from a profound and unexpected dive toward, well, the deeps. — I truly feared I would never get to talk with him again, and the reality of course is we never, never know– about any of our beloveds– that we will.
A deep health scare regarding my sweetsmart niece drove that one home…
As if the crazy, unspeakable horrors of Newtown didn’t break every heart, didn’t make every child glow in our adult vision, through our tears, so innocent and vulnerable and sacred…

The Christmas-making this year is very soft, and strangely deep. I see Alden on the cusp of new social realities. New ways of understanding that the way WE do it is… the way WE do it. His play with us rides a fenceline between cuddling and aggression. He didn’t want to write a letter to Santa this year… but I saw the way he eyed the Star Wars Lego paraphenalia at a schoolmate’s recent birthday party. He wanted to open his Lego Advent Calendar first thing every day ( gift from our across-the-street-neighbors– their son had been given two)— but he had as much fun opening the cardboard window calendar and having me and Josh guess what the picture was.

I want to treasure up all these things, and ponder them in my heart.

I’ve spoken with my dad only a few times since his scary dive…. and he told me most recently that he has had a very profound experience during this time… the gist of which was “No Bullshit.”
Have I mentioned that I love my dad?

But, really, put in other words, isn’t that awesome?

The meaning of life is to live it.
Life is what is happening to you when you make other plans.
Dare to be True–what can need a lie? A fault, which needs it most, grows to two thereby.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

(apologies to Henry Thoreau, Mary Oliver, George Herbert, John Lennon, and anyone else I should cite here. :))

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One thought on “Heartfull

  1. Dear Grace: Words cannot express my love for you and yours as you held me in your loving hearts during my recent “dive”. While much of it was lost from my consciousness during it, as I began to recover, I was alert during my phone conversations with all of my loved ones. My son, Tom, gradually over several days began to relate what had happened. Slowly I learned from my daughter, that she simultaneously was spending 3 days at Children’s Hospital with her daughter, my beloved grandaughter Ava with an emergency pericardial infection.
    On subsequent days I learned of the unspeakable evil of the shooting of children and teachers in Connecticut. When the bells tolled for the children, a nurse was holding my head in her arms and we were both bawling uncontrollably. What on earth is happening and how are we to respond?
    As I lay in my bed at Brigham and Women’s, I tried to pray and reflect on what to do. Without being preachy, I wish to tell you the conclusion I reached.
    In the New Testament, the earliest gospel written is that of Mark (Rome, 65-75AD). The other three gospels (Matthew, Luke and John) were written later having been first able to read Mark and often try to understand and not infrequently edit it with a later theological understanding.
    Mark, however, opens up his gospel by relating Jesus’ first words (Mark 1:15)
    “Change the way you think about reality, the present moment is the right time, the Kingdom of God is WITHIN YOU, believe THIS “good news”.
    To me all the rest of the NT and Church history attempts to expand on thewords, but I feel we fail to accept these words in all their simplicity.
    Evil things happen to us from the outside, and help often seems further away than the evil, and not sufficiently helpful. But our help comes from WITHIN. It is from a God who is closer to us than we are to ourselves. And each and every one of us has the same reality within. So when we deal with others it is really God relating to God. People trying to “imagine” a God outside of the cosmos find it extremely difficult to believe that if there is a God, that He really cares. Those little innocent children in New Hope, know a happiness that we can’t conceive.
    Your experience on stage, Grace, is God’s I’m sure. Love, DAD

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