Pushing back at clouds

To be honest I haven’t been feeling very inspired to write lately.

Haven’t been feeling very inspired to…well, do a lot of things. To play music. To paint. To clean house. To take walks even.

I am very much aware that waiting to be “inspired” to do ANY of the things above is a pretty silly thing to do. And yet, and yet.

I have been watching storm clouds roll in for a really, really long time, it seems. Waiting for someone to figure out that I’m not OK. But I think I’m keeping it together. Right?

I’m struggling with everything all at once, it feels, and I am simultaneously so bored with my struggle that I can’t really imagine anyone else finds it worth caring about. It’s boring, being down. Boring to me, boring to write about, boring to read about, boring to be around. There is nothing I do these days, that I do as well as I could do it. I am slacking and squeaking by, with everything I do. And that’s the truth.

A friend wrote the other day, “It’s Ok to not be Ok.” Β And I thought, IT IS? No it fucking isn’t. In what context is it Ok not to be Ok, Β really?

I started writing this post about 10 days ago and I have kept hoping I was going to find the “aha” moment, the lesson, the shiny upside chew center nugget of life learning and joy-in-sorrow reassurance thingybob that makes it all feel Ok to post.

I know. This too will pass, right?

Hanging in there. Pushing clouds.

 

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21 thoughts on “Pushing back at clouds

  1. I too am waiting for someone to notice I am not ok. Likely I must tell someone honestly and with real emotion that I am not ok, like you just did. Hopefully, just saying you are not ok will make it easier for you to ask others for help. Take Care, Ms Grace.

    • ❀
      Thank you… (also for the pick me up that was on TOP of my FB feed this morning.) πŸ™‚
      I hope you DO tell someone… and I also think you just DID…. and I hope you, also, get a chance to breathe and remember how loved and amazing you are. You are.

  2. Sometimes I think we live parallel lives. I know this feeling. I really do. And the not doing anything well…squeaking by…I know that too. Deep breaths friend. I don’t have an aha moment either. But I get. I really get it.

  3. Hugs. I also know this feeling of waiting for someone to notice me. It will pass… but treat yourself well, in the meantime. And on a practical note, I feel like I’m recommending taking Vitamin D to everyone I know right now… it helps so, so much.

      • I’m taking 4000 IU a day right now – I know some people who take 10,000 IU! I would start with 1,000 or 2,000 and see how you feel. πŸ™‚ If you want to, you can get tested for Vitamin D levels in your blood but I think here in Montana we’re all deficient in the wintertime anyway. One more thing… some people have trouble sleeping at night when they take it (I do) so you may want to test that… I take mine in the morning.

        On another note – I hope I didn’t come off as trite in my first comment with the whole “it will pass” bit. It passes but it sure is frustrating to wait for it to pass or to try and make it pass and it won’t, it feels like shoveling out sludge… so I really feel for you.

  4. “Pushing back clouds.” An amazing choice of words, so accurate and familiar to those of us who have been or are where you are right now. Keep pushing, Grace, there are lots of us pulling for you.

  5. Grace- I look at you from afar and admire your talent to sing, to write, to be a mother, and to also share your vonerability as a mother, wife , worker etc. Please remember by being who you are your brave Grace self- you create impact and influence and inspiration to so many people wherever you are and whereever you are sharing yourself. For me to hear you are having trouble it is eye opening that so many strong smart women all still have hard days. I hope leaving this note reminds you of the good that you give back as you share yourself and your stories.

  6. I keep thinking about what you said here. “It’s not ok to be not ok.” Recently, my husband and I both admitted to eachother that we were depressed. That is not ok with me. I don’t know exactly how to solve it, but we’re taking Dakota up on the D, and I’m trying to get yoga in everyday.

    Also, as musicians/creative types, I know that it’s hard when we feel uninspired. Being used to wanting that channel all the time, then hitting a lull. I am telling myself lulls are ok, they mean more productivity, something new, later on.

    • Thanks for this, Emily– and, yeah, I know my “funk” is in some way connected to no longer having those huge endorphin highs of performing in front of people. :/ My choice, but I have to be patient with myself rather than panic about it, and leap into something else, I think. I understand the spirit in which my friend meant it, as in, “no one deserves to be judged, or should beat themselves up for not being OK.” That’s true. But being not OK should maybe be a signal to yourself or others for change, self-care, action….

      • Yes, a signal to be heeded! Those endorphins are hard to beat, and your feelings are understandable. Maybe we can play music sometime!

  7. I have to chime in on the Vitamin D stuff – I just went to the doc recently for similar feelings, so they tested a bunch of stuff and that is the one thing that came back very deficient. They are sending me a super dosage until my levels go back up – but we’ll see if that helps! Hang in there.

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